Waiting

I sit and wait for the world to happen. Well, I wait for my world to happen. The world at large is humming along beautifully like it always does.

To be fair, my world has started... finally. But the moments of waiting seem to take too long. There is suspense and tension in my waiting. There is fear.

There is always fear.

Since there is nothing to fear but fear itself, I try to ignore the fear in my waiting. It's not always effective but I give it the ol' college try! :-) I distract myself, I try to make myself laugh... anything to keep from being swallowed by the tension, suspense and fear. Sometimes I laugh and feel foolish because I have reason to be tense. But do I need to be tense just because I have reason? Is "reason" reason enough?

I don't think it is.

So I continue to distract myself. I allow myself to laugh when I want to. I try to blend in like a person who isn't flailing wildly in an attempt to stay afloat. I try to convince myself that I'm not flailing at all...

That one's going to take some time.

The prodigal

I am the prodigal. I join countless others in an attempt to bury ourselves in something new.

I know that nothing is truly new. I know that troubles never go away, they simply change. But I still ran away. I had to get out, I had to have change, I needed a chance to survive. Having the same old fight, thinking the same old things, feeling the same old way was wearing through my heart. I had to escape.

I want to pretend that it doesn't hurt. I want to act like everything is vastly better.

Things ARE better. I have hope. I have space to dream and aspire. I am on a bold new adventure. But it still hurts. I still cry when I have time to myself.

Sometimes I cry because I want more - and who am I to dare want more than freedom?
Sometimes I cry because of the the hurt I have caused others.
Sometimes I cry because I don't know what else to do.

I am flooded with emotions and can process only so much at a time.

But I am good. I am beginning to write my own story. I'm scared, worried, excited... and good.


Here starts my story...