Last night

Last night I saw my parents from whom I am a prodigal.
At first I wanted to throw up and hide in the bathroom. I did hide for about 10 minutes - until the nausea passed - but then I reentered the room where they were seated. I stayed on the opposite side of the room. My spouse and some friends stayed between me and my parents... for that I am very grateful!

My spouse wanted me to approach my parents but I lack the courage and strength to remain civil with them and I don't need to do more damage to our relationship.

Should I have approached my parents? Probably. But I have too good an idea what would have happened, so I have a clear conscience.

I will make amends with my parents but last night was neither the time nor place. I know there is no perfect moment but I also know that some moments are better than others and that was a bad moment.

I wish I had the strength and courage to make amends now... but I am too fragile. I am too weak to tackle this right now. I'm still trying to survive.

My dad gave me a letter and met my spouse for the first time. The exchange was civil enough but tense.

The letter made me mad because of the history it brought up. It made me want to yell and curse my father.

He no longer has power over me. Or, at least, he only has the power I give him. Emotional power is not easily broken.

To have a good marriage, my spouse should be the only person with that kind of power over me. If only I could make it true with the snap of my fingers...

Married!

I am married!
I wish I could say that my waiting has ended but even in marriage there is waiting. I much prefer waiting WITH someone to waiting FOR someone!

I don't know how to be married - how to take care of another person the way a spouse is supposed to. My spouse is very patient, understanding, forgiving and accommodating. I can ask for nothing more!

Well, I can ask to not be broke...
Asking for that right now feels like being greedy.

I am still a prodigal. I'm still in the business of trading troubles. But I am happy.

My marriage is not perfect. My spouse is not perfect (though much closer to perfection than I ever will be) but my spouse is perfect for me. Together we are figuring out our new life. We are enjoying our new adventure and looking forward to what the future holds.

I am happy to be a prodigal. If I had not been a prodigal, I would not be married.
I am NOT happy that I left nothing but destruction in my wake. I wish I could undo every millisecond of hurt I have caused. But I cannot. And to not have caused it in the first place would have meant certain death for me. I wish there had been another way.

Thinking of the pain I left behind kills me. It kills the part of me I no longer want to be. It hurts. It is a good hurt.