FOO

I still haven't spoken to my abuser. My abuser is still in jail awaiting conviction and sentencing.

Most people who know the situation understand my not speaking to him. Most people who know the situation wonder why I was speaking to him before he was arrested.

It is complicated to say the least.

My family of origin doesn't seem to understand any of that. My family of origin (FOO) acts as if nothing has ever happened between myself and my abuser. My FOO talks to me about my abuser as if this has nothing to do with me.

This has everything to do with me.

The master of passive-aggressiveness in my FOO is starting to work on me, laying the ground work for pressuring me into communicating with my abuser. I can see it coming like a train in a tunnel.

My husband supports me.
My husband was somewhat uneasy with me being friends with my abuser. But he still supported me in that decision.
When I mention to my husband that I have no reason to communicate with my abuser, he agrees with me in a way that... as if it is the most obvious thing in the world for me to not speak to my abuser.

Some in my FOO expect me to act like nothing has happened. I think most in my FOO don't even realize that this situation could be difficult for me.

I will eventually contact my abuser. I know myself well enough to know that.

But, for once in my life, I have some control. I can spend time with my FOO and then go home! I'm not trapped having to hear about my abuser everyday. I have a home where I feel safe. At some point I may have to put my foot down and tell my FOO "no, this is my decision to make" and the world won't end. My FOO cannot make me miserable like they once did.

I am safe and supported.

I used to self-harm. I stopped while still living with my FOO but I would still think about harming myself. There were plenty of times I wanted to self-harm and had to do something else to distract me.

I do not self-harm. I didn't even think about self-harming until I thought back to when I was living with my FOO. How broken I was.

I still bear the emotional scars of all that has happened to me. This mess with my abuser has a way of rubbing hard against those scars.

I refuse to bleed again.

Dear son,

I sit here watching you play in the rocks and I think to myself, "this is how it's supposed to be." Unhurried, unworried... just peaceful and quiet.
The evening is pleasantly warm after a hot day. The sun is slipping closer to the horizon, painting the sky with such beautiful colors.
Yet I can't stop watching you.
You are my only concern at the moment.
You are facing me and seem to be unaware of me. I know you are aware of me because if I wasn't right here, you would be upset. You are sitting on the ground, piling rocks in the space between your legs and piling dirt and rocks on top of your legs.
You are absorbed in your work. I do not know what you are thinking but I know that you are learning a little bit about how the world works. To some people it looks like mindless play. Those people have too much on their minds and too little patience.
You are experiencing. Maybe you are realizing the reality of gravity. Maybe you are noticing that rocks make a bigger landing impact than grains of dirt. Maybe you are processing the sensations in your hands and legs.
The world is big - you have much to learn - and even in this seemingly mindless task I can see your mind working.

The peace and joy I feel in this moment are almost overwhelming.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
I wish I could bottle up this peace and happiness for you because there will be plenty of times you'll need it.
But right now...
Right now is perfect.

AI

It is almost two-thirty a.m. as I begin to write this. I am the only member of my family who is not in bed. I am not in bed because I am in so much pain that I cannot sleep and being in bed was making the pain worse.

I hate this.

I am in pain because I actually dared to get something done yesterday. Though the real punishment started after trying to get two things done. IN ONE DAY. Because that's apparently against the new rules of my body.

When did/do the rules change?
Whenever my body damn well felt/feels like it.

I have fairly recently discovered that a number of my health issues may be caused by one or more autoimmune (AI) disorders. If there is one, there is likely to be another because AI disorders get lonely, I guess.

There are some symptoms that are common among most AI disorders - namely joint pain and fatigue - that leave a person feeling almost constantly sick.

You know when you've been sick for a while, and you want to be better, so you start doing things but do too much and then feel worse? That's where I live. And sometimes that "feeling worse" includes pain that the highest label dose of the most effective (for me) over-the-counter pain reliever can't quite beat. That's the pain I am feeling right now. This pain started, and woke me up, well after I took the highest label dose of my pain reliever of choice. And this pain reliever usually helps me sleep.

I am tired. I need sleep. I don't deal well with pain.

I have always had a feeling that my joint pain wasn't right - that it wasn't at all normal - and that what people and doctors were telling me was not correct.

My joint pain was not caused by excessive weight, because the pain got worse while - and after - I lost 90lbs. I was 5lbs away from my "ideal" BMI and I could barely function some days.

I readily admit that I am not as healthy as I once was and that is part of the reason why my symptoms are worsening.
There are conflicting reports about how to treat AI disorders.
Some people respond perfectly well to prescription medication.
Quite a few people can't tolerate the side effects.
Some say a gluten-free diet can trigger remission.
Some say only a paleo diet leads to remission.
Some claim that cutting out GMOs will heal just about everything.
Some say that vegan is the only sane diet.
Some swear by yoga.
Others tout the healing benefits of aerobic exercise.
Some people take fistfulls of herbal and vitamin supplements.
Some claim that supplements are nothing but hokum.

I would like to improve my/our diet yet I don't know where to start. The baker in me (who has a small stockpile of all-purpose flour) does not want to go gluten-free. The cheap/broke part of me doesn't want to cut out GMOs. The fatigue doesn't want me to stray from the most convenient of convenience foods.
I don't even know where to start.

There is a book that supposedly has an effective plan for AI remission but I can't afford it. Even the ebook version is too expensive and only slightly cheaper than a hardback copy. I could probably find a copy of this book at the library but that would require me having the energy to get there. And then having the energy to return it before there are any fees.

Yes, I am aware that I am feeling sorry for myself. Writing about it helps me get it out of my system so I'm not carrying the self-pity with me for the forseeable future. sigh.

After sitting in a strange position for a while I am feeling better, the pain is almost gone, and I am feeling sleepy.
I hope this is also the end of my self-pity and sleeplessness.
At least for tonight.