The boy

The boy who stole my innocence
And turned me inside out
Was as hurt and lost as I
As hurt and lost as I

Our childhoods cut short
A tragedy, most would say
A shared pain so deep it kills
And oh, how deep it killed

My forgiveness was swift and full
I thought that was the end
But forgiveness is a process
A daily, painful process

Healing is there for both of us
As painful and unfair as it may be
We've moved on and I love him
I wish you could love him like me

Cuz we've been through hell together
Making our bond sure and true
Like soldiers going through wartime
And oh, we had such a hard time
We made our way through that wartime
And now I ask forgiveness from you

Forgive me for being vulnerable
Without the strength to repel
A child so easily broken
Allowing myself to be broken

Forgive me for the midnight tears
And my lack of trust in you
I never want to be a burden
For I know I'm a heavy burden

Forgive my fears, issues and hurts
Forgive my slowness to heal
Please know I'm trying my hardest
And today is one of the hardest

Healing is there for both of us
As painful and unfair as it may be
I want you to join in my healing
I need you to forgive even me

Cuz we'll go through hell together
Making our bond sure and true
Like soldiers going through wartime
And oh, we're bound to have hard times
We'll make our way through this wartime
And now I ask forgiveness from you

He was a child, barely older than I
Full of a vast unknowable pain
He didn't know the depth of his deeds
Until it was too late to undo his deeds

He paid his debt to society
To my family his debt's ever due
I vowed never to hold it against him
Please don't hold it against him

He's been my friend since forever
He'll be my friend ever more
I know I'm asking a lot of you
It's because I think a lot of you

Healing is there for all of us
As painful and unfair as it may be
You have become part of my healing
The healing of things unseen

Cuz we'll go through hell together
Making our bond sure and true
Like soldiers going through wartime
And oh, we're bound to have hard times
We'll make our way through this wartime
Do I have forgiveness from you?

Cuz we'll go through hell together
Making our bond sure and true
Like soldiers going through wartime
And oh, we're bound to have hard times
We'll make our way through this wartime
I need sweet forgiveness from you

Average? Really?

After reading my last post, a friend of mine reminded me that I am anything but average.

I am a unique creation of the living God. He made me with a specific purpose - to love. He made me to love Him and to love others.

He made me a fighter. He created me to fight for what I love. I am to fight on behalf of those I love and I am to fight for the the chance to love them.

Love is not easy. It's not meant to be. True love is highly passionate - evoking the strongest of emotions - no matter who it is you love. Sometimes it's those emotions that must be fought.

Fighting gets tiresome. I get weary from fighting. When I am weary, I feel ineffective. When I feel ineffective, I feel average. Lately, I have been weary.

Sometimes the weight of the world sits squarely on my shoulders. I still smile, laugh and enjoy life but the weight, and the fighting, and the loving... it all starts to suffocate me. It muffles the joy in my spirit. It tries to take me back to a place of no hope.

Sometimes I have to be reminded that I have eternal hope. That I am not some mistake of biology. That I have a special and unique purpose. That I am loved by my Creator who finds me anything but average.

God has given me the gift of a heart that breaks, bleeds and never stops needing to love others.

Average

I find myself unhappy when I compare myself to others.

I don't compare myself to celebrities or models or anyone who has a staff making them look good. I compare myself to the average. And I always come out the same.

Average.

I'm good at doing some things. I even like doing some of the things at which I am good.

But I'm not great.

My mind is both analytical and creative. I'm not especially great at either. I end up being mediocre at both. And that's the way with my whole life.

I cannot be creative whenever I want/need to be. I do not have boundless creativity. If anything, my creativity must be bound and gagged then locked in a cage before it really kicks in to gear. And even then it's not especially fantastic.

I can analyze a problem and come up with a solution... about ten minutes after that guy over there came up with a better solution.

I can't tell jokes. I don't remember names. I'm not any more witty than the next person. I don't talk much...

I write, yes, but I write tripe like this. I can't write stories to save my life! I don't write things that will ever amount to anything.

Because I am average.

My life stories are the same as thousands of other people. Yes, the wording may be different but the themes are all the same.

I have an awkward "beauty" that some notice but most don't.

I am average. I am mundane. I am not very unique.

I am overwhelmingly average.

Average isn't bad. Average keeps things moving smoothly. Average is the skeleton of society.

But I am human. I am American. And I want more that average.

I want to be great at something important. I want to be in demand. I want to be sought out for my unique abilities.

I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be recognized every where I go. I just want to be great at something in my corner of the world.

I don't want people standing around at my funeral trying to figure out what to say about my life - "well, she cooked food and we ate it. And, umm... none of us died from it. She wasn't the best cook but she never killed anybody."

Worse than that would be if my life's story is always only about survival. I would hate to be nothing more than the sum of what has happened to me - to have my life's story decided by everyone but me.

I am only four months out of a lifelong survival situation and I am frustrated that I have not yet achieved greatness.

Maybe I need to learn how to be patient with myself.

Desire

Genesis 3:16 NASB
To the woman He said,
"I will greatly multiply
Your pain in childbirth,
In pain you will bring forth children;
Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you."

Those last two lines, " yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" almost haunt me.

For the sake of this post, I do not mean "desire" as "sexual desire." It is simply the desire to spend time with my husband.

Sometimes when my husband is at work I enjoy being able to get stuff done without interuption and without feeling like I've abandoned my husband. But other times I miss him SO MUCH that "your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" comes to mind.

I have known that part of that verse since I was little - it has always fascinated me. I have always known that it is true but I have also known that there is more power to it than I could understand.

I am only beginning to understand.

Some days, like today, I cannot wait for him to come home from work! I just want to hug him and hold him and spend time with him. Today, there is not enough time in the world for me to spend with him.

Some days, I am glad that he goes to work and I am overwhelmingly thankful for the time alone. Some days I wish he worked later in the day because I am most productive in the afternoon - right as he's getting home. I typically don't like those days.

Why that phrase, "your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you," haunts me is hard to explain. It is a rememberance from my childhood with echos of the abuse. It is a long awaited revelation that is new and exciting! It speaks deeply of the way I feel. It connects me to women all the way back to Eve. It is a reminder that I am fully and truly a woman - a fact I have both loved and hated with equal passion.

That phrase whispers to my soul and stirs up things that I didn't know existed. It's scary. It's exciting.

This is my new life, my new adventure! With feelings deeper than I've ever known before. Joys greater than I've imagined!