I am close to cutting.
I will not cut.
I refuse to cut.
But it's been ceeping into the corners of my mind.
Part of me wants to cut.
Part of me wants to have beautiful drawings on my skin.
All of me feels a lack of control.
Cutting is about control. It's about feeling things on my terms.
My feelings.... are broken. My feelings are muffled and dampened and hiding.
When I feel adrift I feel like I am letting my husband down. Like I am failing him.
I feel adrift.
But I feel safe.
My husband makes me feel safe.
Yet cutting is still creeping back into my mind.
It has no hold on me but it being there makes me nervous.
I want someone to hold me and say that everything will be alright.
But I don't want to admit that I feel this way.
To me, this is regression.
And I'm not okay with that.
I feel like my healing journey is spiraling out of control.
Cutting is not the answer.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
My heart is broken where I thought it had mended.
I am still just a little girl.
I am still vulnerable.
I am still hurt.
