Is it dysthymia?

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/tango-mind-and-emotion/2011/dec/10/it-growing-pains-or-it-dysthymia/

After reading the above article, I can't help but wonder if I have dysthymia.

Afraid that I'm just looking for an excuse for laziness, I asked a friend of mine to read the article and tell me what they thought. My friend skimmed the article and said that some of the symptoms sound like much of what I go through.

This is by no means a diagnosis. But simply knowing that there might be a reason for my daily struggle... it's hard to describe. Going from, "I'm defective and always will be" to "this probably has a name and treatment options" is not only freeing, it also gives me hope.

I feel heavy today - physically, emotionally, etc. - but not as heavy as I felt yesterday. I have to struggle and fight to get things done but today I am getting some things done.

Thinking that this is a problem as opposed to a defect allows me to celebrate the good days instead of loathing myself for the bad days.

I still have to work hard. Now I am working against something instead of working against myself.

The answers are out there somewhere.

There is hope.

Compliments

Somedays I wish I'd receive more compliments. Other days I wish I had never received any. Maybe if I received more compliments I would be more secure in my looks, more confident. Maybe if I had never received any compliments, I would have no conflict with thinking that I am unattractive and undesireable.
But, I am attractive.

It's one thing to be noticed and appreciated. It's quite another to be the object of one's staring. Half the time, when I leave my home, I am met with the latter. I live in a neighborhood where the men were never taught how to appreciate women, so I get everything from a souless stare to a hungry stare - like that of a wild dog.

I know there are women who feel invisible and wish they had this complaint. I honestly wish I wasn't complaining. My complaint has less to do with the action and more to do with the affect the action has on me.

Last night I was thinking about the fact that I really don't like leaving my home without an escort. I was thinking this while I was in bed, cuddling with my husband. I feel the safest when I am in bed with my husband. Realizing why I don't like leaving my home without an escort made me cry a little. Knowing that I could feel so safe and so unsafe in the same day scared me.

I know there are those who wish to do harm to young attractive females. I know that those who wish to do harm to young attractive females do not fit a stereotype, do not have a look, or a script, or anything else to bind them except their wish to harm.

I was once the victim of someone who did not fit any stereotypes. I am much too aware of how fragile my safety truly is.

When I leave my home without an escort, I feel bare and vulnerable. I probably would not feel any more vulnerable if I were to walk outside with no clothes on. This is not the fault of those who stare.

Surviving abuse is like surviving a nuclear bomb - surviving the explosion is the easy part, it's the fallout that kills you slowly.

Bored

I am bored. Well, not exactly bored because there's plenty for me to do and plenty to keep me busy. I just... am.

I'm not incredibly excited about anything in particular. I'm not upset about anything. I'm not horribly stressed about anything specific. I'm... being me, I guess.

My first thought was that the depression was back, hunting me down, seeking revenge for my escape from it's grip. But there is no hint of depression - no sadness, no despair, no emptiness, no longing. I don't feel the need to strive. I don't feel the need to be a better person right this second.

I don't feel like I have to fight for a chance to live, to breathe, to move.

I guess I feel... free.
And not in the frantic way I used to. I used to panic about having moments of freedom - making sure I did as much as I wanted to before my moments of freedom were taken from me.

I want to find a warm spot where I can lay out in the sunshine and just be.