I am still messed up. I will probably always be messed up. I know this.
There is a big difference between knowing a fact and being heartlessly reminded of said fact.
Last week I was heartlessly reminded.
My husband accidentally injured me (something that is very easy to do) and he didn't apologize. I complained about it a little later and he still didn't apologize.
Now, I realize that being injured without apology would bother most people - but it wouldn't bother most people enough for them to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I cried hard, and then I cried long.
What bothered me the most was that it brought up my past. Things that other people have done to me were being visited upon my husband. I HATE that. I knew we needed to discuss what happened - but in my head I kept repeating, "I don't want to talk about it, I want to pretend like there's nothing wrong with me." I didn't talk about it. I cried myself to sleep.
The next day my husband brought up the subject, I told him what he did that bothered me, and he apologized. Sincerely. I forgave him. Completely.
This still makes me cry. But today they are much happier tears. Today I cry because I know something other than pain. I see how wrong it was for me to be treated as if I existed to suffer for someone elses pleasure. I see that I can be loved for who I am instead of being "loved" for what I do.
I am a person, not a pincushion. I can choose when to bend to the will of others instead of bending to whatever anyone else wants.
I'm still not good at having an opinion but I know I am free to have one. I can impose upon other people if I really need to. I don't always have to be the one to sacrifice myself. I can ask other people to sacrifice for me and some of them don't mind a bit!
Being confident doesn't automatically mean I'm wrong. Looking my best doesn't mean I'm trying too hard. Being grumpy for a good reason doesn't make me a bitch.
I am a person.
I am me.
I am NOT just a copy of someone else.
I can have opinions.
I can disagree.
I can fail.
I don't have to go along.
I don't have to hide the bruises when someone is mad at me.
I don't need permission to breathe.
I am safe.
I am safe.
I am safe.
My past may haunt me but I am safe!
I am protected.
I am loved.
I am a person, whole and actual.
