I am feeling more and more like a complete person. I have reached a state of autonomous personhood that was previously unknown to me.
The more I let my husband love me, the less I feel like an appendage.
The more I understand of love, the less I feel lost when he's not physically with me.
I am a person. I can make decisions. I can make wrong decisions. I can live, love and forgive. Someday I may even forgive myself.
My heart is heavy. It is heavy with the sadness that can only be borne of love.
I have let my husband down.
He does not say that I have let him down - he probably doesn't even think I have let him down - but I have. I am responsible for the financial bind we are in right now.
My husband has a job and works hard every weekday - sometimes working 12+ hours a day. I stay home all day, trying to survive and cope. Had I gotten a job months ago, we'd be okay financially. Had I at least seriously looked for a job, I wouldn't feel so responsible. I wouldn't BE responsible.
I let my emotions have too much control over me and now we are literally paying for it.
I am a disappointment to my husband - even if he doesn't think so - but most of all, I am a disappointment to myself.
Either I am everything I was told I am, or I let other peoples words dictate who I am. It doesn't matter which is true. I am still a disappointent to myself.
I am less than I could and should be. I am at fault and there is nothing I can do to resolve this situation.
About 7 months ago everything changed. Nothing in my life is the same.
For the first time in my life I am living without abuse, without emotional blackmail. I am safe.
I am safe to be ME. No longer do I have to be the version of me that makes the fewest waves. My husband loves me for who I am.
Then why do I still live by the rules of my old life? Why am I afraid to do anything?
Even though I know my husband will eat any and all food I make, I have to work up the nerve to try a new recipe. My husband wants me to try new things, to experiment in the kitchen even if I fail, but still I fear judgement.
I am not used to a love like my husband's. I have experienced love before, but that was while I was still surviving abuse. Now that there is no abuse I don't know how to handle life.
I still expect abuse. I still fear and wait for abuse. But it doesn't come any more.
I provoke my poor husband and he doesn't take the bait.
For me, learning to live without abuse is like trying to live without breathing. "Abused" is who I am. It is my identity.
Removing me from the abuse has left a giant hole inside me. My husband is trying to fill that hole with his love. I am resistant to love because it is foreign to me.
Living with someone who loves me so completely and does not harm me is... alien! Nothing could be farther from my comprehension. And yet his love allows me to feel.
For the first time I am completely feeling. (Most of the time. I still "switch off" sometimes.) I am finally able to mourn. And I have so much to mourn.
There are things I need to do - that I've been wanting to do for years - but I am paralyzed. I have always been indecisive. Now, with every choice that comes up, I am crushed with the emotional impact of each possible outcome.
I am an empathetic person by nature. I am used to feeling emotion vicariously. I am used to emotions that are muted and easier to shut out.
Sometimes it is very difficult to cope. Somedays I just sit and cry.
