Running

I want to run away. I want to cut ties and run. I want to leave behind my new life, my husband, and anything that dares weigh me down.

I want to run to a place where no one knows me or any one who used to know me. I want to reinvent myself. I want to run away from me.

I'm itching for a freedom that doesn't exist. I want to be free from my past.

I want to be able to speak to people - my husband especially. I have much to say yet I lack the voice to say it. It's as if the sound of my own voice is poison to me. I hate that. I love my husband. He loves hearing me talk. I wish I could just talk to him.

I don't deserve my husband. He is loving and so very supportive. These are the very reasons I want to run away. I'm not supposed to be in good, healthy relationships!

I have never been happier and I don't know how to handle happiness. Being happy makes me nervous and very uncomfortable. I am frightened and skittish like a wild doe. I want to run.

I miss the familiar. I always have. No matter what is familiar, the familiarity itself provides a measure of comfort. After the sexual abuse stopped, I missed the familiarity of it. And that still hurts to this day. My wanting to run away is a reminder of that hurt.

It hurts knowing that I want to run because things are too good. It hurts to know that I am still that broken. It hurts that it reminds me. The hurt makes me want to run away even more! My wonderful husband shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense from me! But he still loves me. He's not going anywhere and he doesn't want me going anywhere. He is stubborn in his love. Foolishly stubborn, if you ask me.

I am in love and I am terrified.
I will stay. I will try to let his love wash over me and wash away the fear. I will stay and continue to heal.

I must heal.