Hypervigilance

I was recently at a pet-friendly convention with my family. It was fun and horrific all at the same time.

Hypervigilance is very exhausting. To be constantly aware of the details around you is extremely taxing. Especially when crowds, our dogs, and our son are involved.

There were a lot of people and a lot of dogs at this event. The aisles were narrow and to get anywhere I had to wade through the mass of people and dogs. Most of the people and dogs were friendly and considerate but that did not help to decrease my awareness. I was constantly aware of where people were,where they were heading, how they seemed to be handling the crowd, how they seemed to be handling the dogs, how often they looked down, how aware they seemed to be of their surroundings, how the dogs were acting and interacting... all of that information was constantly processing while we were at this event.

I am not as hypervigilant as I used to be. The safety I feel with my little family has allowed me to relax a bit. Which added to my stress.
Never in my life have I apologized for bumping into so many people in such a short time. Being surprised while hypervigilant is unsettling to say the least.

Part of the reason I was surprisable is because my attention was focused in front of me - where my husband, son, and dogs were located. When I am "worried" about only myself I have a much wider area of awareness, I can sense things things behind me. Most of the people I bumped into came from behind me.

Part of me wants to be rid of the hypervigilance because it is so exhausting. Part of me doesn't want lose it because it has become part of who I am.

It was only in the past... five-ish years that I really realized most people don't live this way. Most people can sit with their back to the room and not give it a second thought. Most people don't watch reflections in windows and pictures and tv screens.
I am not most people.

I like to sit where officers like to sit - with my back to the wall, facing the room and especially facing the exits. I want to see who enters and exits. I want to know where all of the people are all the time.
I am constantly scanning for a  threat and possible exit strageties.
Sitting in a restaurant is exhausting.
The grocery store is exhausting.
Wal Mart is hell.
Even sitting in a movie theatre can be exhausting as I track people by the sounds they make.

There is no break. I have relaxed some but there is no turning it off.
I am always on.
Always watching.
Always vigilant.