Average

I find myself unhappy when I compare myself to others.

I don't compare myself to celebrities or models or anyone who has a staff making them look good. I compare myself to the average. And I always come out the same.

Average.

I'm good at doing some things. I even like doing some of the things at which I am good.

But I'm not great.

My mind is both analytical and creative. I'm not especially great at either. I end up being mediocre at both. And that's the way with my whole life.

I cannot be creative whenever I want/need to be. I do not have boundless creativity. If anything, my creativity must be bound and gagged then locked in a cage before it really kicks in to gear. And even then it's not especially fantastic.

I can analyze a problem and come up with a solution... about ten minutes after that guy over there came up with a better solution.

I can't tell jokes. I don't remember names. I'm not any more witty than the next person. I don't talk much...

I write, yes, but I write tripe like this. I can't write stories to save my life! I don't write things that will ever amount to anything.

Because I am average.

My life stories are the same as thousands of other people. Yes, the wording may be different but the themes are all the same.

I have an awkward "beauty" that some notice but most don't.

I am average. I am mundane. I am not very unique.

I am overwhelmingly average.

Average isn't bad. Average keeps things moving smoothly. Average is the skeleton of society.

But I am human. I am American. And I want more that average.

I want to be great at something important. I want to be in demand. I want to be sought out for my unique abilities.

I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be recognized every where I go. I just want to be great at something in my corner of the world.

I don't want people standing around at my funeral trying to figure out what to say about my life - "well, she cooked food and we ate it. And, umm... none of us died from it. She wasn't the best cook but she never killed anybody."

Worse than that would be if my life's story is always only about survival. I would hate to be nothing more than the sum of what has happened to me - to have my life's story decided by everyone but me.

I am only four months out of a lifelong survival situation and I am frustrated that I have not yet achieved greatness.

Maybe I need to learn how to be patient with myself.