Is there a should?

I am sitting here, alone, in my living room.
It's late at night, my family is all in bed, and I want to turn on my very old laptop. I want to type faster. I want to let my thoughts out. I want to get my thoughts down. And I know that if I was typing on my laptop, I would feel something.
Right now I don't know what I'm feeling, what I should be feeling. If there even is a "should" for my feelings in this situation.

My abuser was arrested for a crime that has nothing to do with me.
Except for the fact that he is my abuser and everything he does has something to do with me and my emotions. He admitted to committing the crime so he is where he obviously belongs - in jail.
Should I be happy about that? Should I rejoice in his punishment?
Of late, he has been a good friend to me. Truth be told, we've been good friends for many more years than not. For now that friend is gone. I can't contact him with some funny thing that only he would understand, a joke that makes me think of him, an internet video that fits his sense of humor.
Part of me is reevaluating our friendship. Life is not as simple as it once was - I have a son to raise. And I certainly don't want my son to end up like me.

The parent/child relationship. It's an interesting and complicated thing.
My friends have asked how I am doing, my abusers family has asked how I am doing,
my family of origin has not.
Should I be offended? It bothers me a little that my abuser and his family acknowledged my last birthday while my family of origin did not. But should it?

I have been on edge since I found out my abuser was arrested.
My PTSD has flared slightly.
I have cried, but not hard.
I have had conversations with my abuser in my head.
I have had conversations about my abuser in my head.
I have discussed the situation with my husband.
I have explained the situation to friends.
I tell my friends that I am okay.

I am okay, aren't I?

I have no thoughts of self-harming, no thoughts of harming anyone else, I'm not depressed or angry.
Yet my sleep is erratic at best.
My patience is constantly thin.
I feel like I'm moving through emotional Jell-o.

I feel heavy.

I want time alone to process. As much as it scares me, I want to know what I'm feeling. Since I'm already feeling it on some level, it would be nice to have a label for it. For this... this nothingness that most definitely is something.

I wish I was typing on my laptop right now. The laptop that knows things about me no person has ever known, my only friend at a time when I was friendless. Unfortunately, getting her out would probably wake my family. I'm not even sure she'll run well enough to type on.
Besides, I should go to bed and pretend that I can sleep.
And pretend that my sleep is restful.
And pretend that I am perfectly fine.