Scared

I am scared.

I hate to admit that.
I am supposed to be strong and independent and self sufficient.
In truth, I am none of those things.

I am scared because my family faces uncertainty.
We will most likely be homeless soon.
We have used up all of our lifelines and now we just have to wait for the official word to be handed down.
We have faced this before and I have had peace about it.

I am just short of panic.

I do not like where we live. But I like having a place to call home.

I am afraid that I will not have the energy needed to deal with homelessness.
My energy levels are unpredictable but I never have as much energy as a normal person. I cannot function like a normal person.
The fatigue and pain are debilitating. I cannot do the things I want. I can't even do the things I need.

I am afraid of the pain.
I spend much of my life trying to avoid pain and pretending I can be comfortable. I am in constant pain.
I am afraid of the intense pain that plays tricks on my mind, that takes control of my movements, that sends my body into shock. I am afraid of pain that pain relievers can't touch. I am afraid of pain that makes me less of a person. The pain that steals my identity and scrubs any enjoyment from life.

I have an adventurous spirit.
My body cannot handle adventure.

I am scared of failing.
Homelessness is already a form of failure. I am about to fail at failing.
There was a time when I could stay up late and get things done at the last minute. It seems that time is long gone. My body is failing me. I feel trapped. I think I wouldn't be scared if I knew I would be able to function. Instead, I'm pretty sure I won't function at all.

How am I supposed to explain to people that my body just doesn't work? No, I don't have any serious injuries. I don't have something as "accepted" as cancer (not that I wish I had cancer! Not at all!!). I have an invisible illness that won't go away. There are things that could help me in the short term, but in the long run I'm just going to get worse. That's how this thing works.

How do I explain to people that looking "fine" is completely draining? Yes, I can be fairly active for a day or two but I have to pay for it. Last week I was active for four days straight. And it just about killed me. I was living on Aleve (and still in pain) on the fourth day. My mind was slow and distant on the fourth day. On the fifth day, I could barely gather the strength to make myself ramen in the microwave. In fact, I almost didn't. I almost didn't eat on that fifth day because... it is like that drained, achey feeling that comes with the flu. I feel a version of that every day. It's usually somewhat mild - like when you've been sick and are getting better but still can't leave the house because getting dressed makes you need a nap - but that fifth day was like the height of the flu. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to feel better!

How do I explain to people that I always want fo feel better? I constantly feel sick and I constantly want to get better. The severity fluctuates but it's always there. I am never better. I very rarely feel up to going out and socializing. I am always squeaking by. The bare minimum, whatever it takes to get through the day.

Whatever it takes to survive.