To my former lover...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'd like to sit and chat so we can catch up with each other. But I know that isn't likely to happen. We are probably the only two people in the world who want the two of us being anywhere near each other. Not that I can blame the rest of the world for that.

I have to admit, I've been remembering mostly good things and very little of the bad. So much to miss, so much to regret.

Part of me wants you to see me like this - I have gained quite a bit of weight - because you were so taken with my beauty. I doubt I would get even a second glance from you now. The vain part of me wants you to remember me as the skinny woman I was, and hope to someday be again.

I am planning to look for a job soon and I can't help but want your fashion advice should I get as far as an interview. Getting someone to hire me will be a hard sell, so looking my best is pretty much a necessity.

The confidence you tried so hard to instill in me is completely gone. My husband believes in me, he just isn't very good at verbalizing it. You and I both know that my confidence is extremely high maintenance.

I still mourn the loss of our relationship - less and less as time moves on. I still cry sometimes - less often and not as hard. I lost more than "just" a relationship. I lost the hope and dreams of a lifestyle I'll never experience. I lost my escape.

I have a new normal now. The kind of normal I always expected from life - not what I wanted but making the best of it. I am loved and I am happy. But that doesn't mean I am never sad.

I saw you and your wife at a public event not that long ago. I ducked, hid, and told my husband to keep walking. I spent the rest of my time at that event watching for the two of you - constantly distracted and scanning the crowds as often as possible - because I can't possibly face both of you.

On one hand, I regret our relationship for so many reasons.
On the other hand, I can't possibly regret the relationship that kept me alive and taught me to live instead of just surviving.

I am feeling completely helpless and I desperately want the hope and selfishness you once breathed into my life.
But I can't have it.
I can't look for it.
I can't accept it if it's offered.
I shouldn't even want it.

You haunt me.